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This is a short video demonstration of the tamagachi that Twitter user @gracecondition programmed to live in the Touch Bar of her MacBook Pro. If you're interested in adding a constant burden of your own to your laptop, you can get the current state of her project in app form on Github HERE. Or, if you're like me and don't have a MacBook Pro with Touch Bar, you'll just have to care for your oldschool tamagachi. *rat peaks head out of backpack* "WTF, GW?" Real oldschool. Keep going for the full video, which is really just a little more of the same.

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red-lobster-ugly-christmas-sweater.jpg
This is the Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit sweater going on sale November 26th at the Red Lobster online holiday shop for $40. The sweater includes an insulated pouch in the front for keeping Cheddar Bay Biscuits warm or...or-- "Wait, are you crying?" I'm sorry, it's just so beautiful. You know how there's that lady who married a bridge? "You're going to marry this sweater." Well we've talked it over and we're at least going to give it a shot. Thanks to my friend Jackie, who clearly knows a quality sweater when she sees one (not that I ever doubted her).

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Because this is America, here's a video of two blindfolded men duking it out with inflatable boxing gloves on at a campground in the sticks. Based on their inability to understand basic directions (turn left, turn right, straight ahead, behind you), I'm going to assume they're either both good and drunk, or never learned. So who wins? Well there's no official winner declared, but it looks like Kid Rock there took a fair beating and goes down hard a couple times, so I'm going to say we are -- we're the real winners here. Keep going for the video while I add blindfolded inflatable glove deathmatch boxing to my family's Thanksgiving schedule of events.

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carbonating-milk.jpg
Seen here looking regretful, this is a video of adventurous Joe Barnard using a SodaStream machine to carbonate some milk. After making a mess and trying it, he decides it's "very close to the worst drink he's had." Man -- sounds like you've got some living to do, Joe. Because I've had carbonated milk before and it isn't top twenty worst drinks I've ever had. *gazes into the distance, shudders* I've tasted things that made my tits curl. Keep going for the video, actual fun begins around 1:50.

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This is a short video visualizing the Star Trek's universe's warp speed, from warp 1 (the speed of light) - to warp 9.9 (2,083 times the speed of light) using our solar system for scale. As you can see, in the grand scheme of space travel anything below warp 7 looks like a turtle crawling into its grave, and even at warp 9.9, IF WE COULD SOMEHOW TRAVEL AT 2,083 TIMES THE SPEED OF LIGHT, it would take 18 hours to get to the next closest star to our sun, Proxima Centauri. *frustratingly brushing rocket engine plans off desk* I vote we just blow up earth and call it a day. Keep going for the full video while I speculate if Star Trek and Star Wars may have given us unrealistic expectations in regards to space travel.

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sound-of-silence-bass-arrangement.jpg
Because bass players need love too, this is a video of musician Tommy Lee Depp performing a bass arrangement of Simon & Garfunkel's classic 'The Sound Of Silence'. Man, I still remember the first time I heard that song. God, that must have been what -- twenty minutes ago? I'm kidding, I can't even remember the first time I heard it, but I do know the music video for Paul Simon's 'You Can Call Me Al' is one of the greatest of all time. Keep going for the video (as well as the original for reference) while I add some of those cool guitar strings to my car.

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rugby-player-horse-analogy.jpg
This is a video of a humorous rugby player providing an interview and using a horse analogy to stress his point. Or at least I think that's what he was trying to do, honestly I'm not sure if he was successful in doing anything but making me wish we were drinking together. *unzips backpack, spilling empties* Wait -- I can get more! Keep going for the video, but if you're gonna watch it, watch it to the M. Night Shyamalan end.

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Because screw that passenger side mirror, this is a short video of a youngster in Leeds, England attempting to show off the sweet new exhaust he purchased for his Smart car Ford Ka instead of spending that money on absolutely anything else, and immediately driving into a wall. From the business itself:
A young lad came to our business, Prestige Custom Exhaust to get a cheap as possible exhaust wanting it loud and a new tip. We got him sorted with a resonator delete and new tip, when we've finished the jobs we asked him to do a launch out of the yard so we could put it on our facebook page. As he set off he didn't take any notice of where he was going and drove straight into the wall. He said he was looking at the gear stick to make sure he changed gear properly. When he came back to apologize he told us he'd only just passed his driving test.
Wow, just got his license and was looking at the gear shift to make sure he was shifting properly. Now I'm not say maybe he wasn't ready for a new, louder exhaust, but maybe the extra two horsepower he gained was just too much power for him to control. When reached for comment, exhaust expert Bubb Rubb said whistle tips go WOO-WOOO. Keep going for the video, complete with the audio of that sweet, sweet exhaust. Also, as you may recall, Bubb Rubb and Lil' Sis almost had a similar crash with their car at 1:45.

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giant-hand-knit-snorlax-1.jpg
This is the gigantic (~80-inch) Snorlax chair ("Sleeping Monster") crafted by Etsy seller KnotAgainByAnima, commissioned by a friend for her husband and completed over the course of three months. KnotAgainByAmina will knit you one too, provided you have $3,500. Just look at that thing! I can already close my eyes and imagine my dogs ripping it to shreds and me having no choice but to love them anyways because I signed the unconditionality clause in the adoption papers. *slipping turkey jerky bits under the table* Definitely no treats for a while though! Keep going for a few more shots.

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This is a short video from the helmet of a Brisbane, Australia motorcyclist who gets distracted ogling some ladies on a street corner and crashes into the BMW in front of him. I like how after the crash he glances back to see if they saw him. Yeah bro, they definitely saw that. Based on the point-of-view footage, I'm going to say this accident probably wasn't worth the view. Although, admittedly, I do the same thing every time I pass a Taco Bell. Keep going for the whole video.

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daisy-ridley-star-wars-rap-recap.jpg
Because there ain't no press junket like a Disney press junket, this is a video from The Tonight Show of Star Wars star Daisy Ridley rap-recapping the first eight Star Wars movies to promote The Rise Of Skywalker. The lyrics to the three minute performance while I eat one Pop Tart cold while toasting another:
Said a long time ago in a galaxy far far away a Guy named Vader tried to kidnap a Rebel Princess Leia So she employed a droid to record her a quick note, she said "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope." Go! Hyperspace zoom, sent off some battle plans in an R2 C-3PO's saying they're doomed, until they're bought by a farmer named Luke His Force is strong Obi-Wan hasn't heard that name in long Solo shoots first, don't say that I'm wrong It took him twelve parsecs for his Kessel Run Well, sure. Chewie was charting the course Luke learned the way of the Force Blew up the Death Star, he had no remorse He got a medal, he's ready for more Strike back, Rebels on Hoth are attacked Yoda shows up and talks backwards Battled with Boba Fett, put up a fight but then Han got froze in carbonite, burr Wasn't the plan, suddenly Luke is in need of a hand Lando Calrissian led them to slaughter And Darth Vader said to Luke I am your father What?! Jabba the Hutt, gotta admit that bikini was hot Yoda is dying, yes that's why I'm crying Take this any longer I simply cannot Hey Sidious You were quite hideous Vader protected his kid, I'm not kidding, I'm serious Blew up a Death Star, 'cause it was a trap Shout out to Ewoks, 'cause they had our back Back in the day Little boy Anakin loved to pod race Padmé escaped, Darth Maul went ape The ending for Qui-Gon Jin wasn't so great Attack of the clones Ten years pass, Anakin's grown He falls in love but his master is captured His mother is killed and then that spells disaster Oo! Mace Windu Anakin loses an arm to Dooku Secret marriage Twins in the carriage Palpatine's savage And Vader breaks through! I'm trying to think... Who'd I forget? What's his name? Meesa called Jar Jar Binks! Now to today Jumping ahead to a scrapper named Rey (Hey!) Teamed up with Poe and a Stormtrooper Finn Who betrayed the First Order, so we let him in BB-8! Solo vs. Solo, Han met his fate Rose got to work Kylo won't put on a shirt Kylo is kind of a flirt Tracked down Luke he was giving me hate Until he saved the Resistance on Crait Now Skywalker's gone But faith in the Force remains strong Skywalker always lives on Woo! You can't stop me, I'm a Jedi from Jakku Fight the Dark Side from Tatooine to Naboo Let go of everything that you fear to lose Be the spark the lights the fire and May The Force Be With You
I have no clue what any of that means because I haven't seen the movies but I'm sure it's all leading up to a grand finale. Like a fireworks show where everything accidentally gets set off simultaneously. "I saw you toss the Molotov." *produces Zippo from pocket, begins burning corner of photo* "Wait, is that my hou--" Tell me what you saw again. Keep going for the video.

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stairway-to-heaven.jpg
This is a short video of some poor decision making in progress as a man attempts to climb down from a cherry picker using a straight ladder being feebly held against a very low wall by a man who clearly doesn't care that much about the other's bones. Things end just the way you'd expect them to, and fingers crossed neither of these men decide to put up Christmas lights this year or they're as good as dead. Keep going for the video.

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star-wars-instant-pot-1.jpg
Because Star Wars everything, these are the officially licensed Star Wars Instant Pots available exclusively from Williams-Sonoma. Previously: these bootleg wraps for people with existing Instant Pots, which are surprisingly still available. These Instant Pots (which unfortunately don't make Star Wars sound effects and it's a crying shame that they don't) are available in a 3-quart BB-8 version for $80, R2-D2, Stormtrooper, and Darth Vader 6-quarters for $100, and an 8-quart Chewbacca for $120. Man, it's crazy how all these fancy brands are chasing Star Wars exclusives now. "That's where the money is." My money is where my mouth is! "Do you even know what that means?" I'll eat this fiver if you give me a twenty. Keep going for individual shots of them all.

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godzilla-christmas-tree-1.jpg
Because it just makes sense, this is the smoke-breathing Godzilla Christmas tree crafted by New Zealander Steven Newland and recently up for auction on Trademe. It sold for $415 while my hands were unfortunately too covered in bread stuffing to bid $1,000,000. That's a shame. As you can see, it offers the perfect place to pile gifts between its legs and, with a well-timed smokey exhale, might just be enough to scare an extra present out of Santa. Or a fart that sets the tree on fire, it really could go either way with a man who eats nothing but cookies and naughty elves. Keep going for one more shot and a video of the smoke (fog machine) in action.

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million-dollar-video-game-character.jpg
A Chinese Justice Online gamer recently sued a backstabbing friend and NetEase (the video game publisher) after the jerk sold the MMORPG character he estimates he put over $1.4-million into for a scant $552. Apparently he had lent the character to the friend, who then took control of the account and tried to sell it back to him for $55,200 but was so tired from "a marathon gaming session" that he set the sale price for only $552, which was immediately bought by a third party. Some more info while I try to wrap my head around spending $1.4-million on a video game character instead of lotto scratchers (it takes money to make money):
In the court mediation that followed, the defendant claimed that this unintentional typo happened because of exhaustion after a marathon gaming session. The lawsuit was ultimately settled with the mediation of a judge who presided over the proceedings online. NetEase revoked the transaction with the million-dollar character returning to the original owner, while the player who bought the pricey character for a bargain received a payout of 90,000 yuan (roughly $12,800) in damages.
Never lend your million dollar video game character to a friend, that's the lesson here. Plus if a neighbor comes over to borrow a cup of sugar, apparently you shouldn't expect that sugar back. *ahem* SUSAN. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, house fire. Thanks to v, who agrees everybody spends their money differently.

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crazy-semi-truck-1.jpg
These are several shots of Thor24, a custom semi rig that took seven years and $7-million to build, and just sold at auction for $12-million. A decent profit. Some of the truck's specs while I replace my desktop's Optimus Prime wallpaper with a shot of this thing to make him jealous enough to drive me to the mall whenever I want, even during peak Christmas shopping season when he knows he won't be able to find a parking spot:
The Thor24 started out as a Peterbilt 359 crew cab semi and was stretched to 44 feet to make enough room to fit twin 13.9-liter Detroit diesel V12 engines. The 24-cylinder engine is paired to a total of 12 superchargers that helps it churn out a tarmac-ripping output of 3974 horsepower. To top it all, the rig also has nitrous oxide bottles because why not! And guess what? It also has an upswept exhaust pipe for each of the 24 cylinders - how crazy is that. Although the rig weighs more than 32,000 pounds, it has a claimed top speed of 130 mph. In fact, the truck is so heavy that it needs four Simpson drag parachutes to stop because the standard brakes are not enough.
That all sounds very...excessive. Besides, do you know how many monster trucks you could buy for $12-million? They're only like $250,000 apiece. "Whoever bought it probably already has like twenty." I've never been more jealous in my entire life. I only own one monster turck, and when I die I'm going to buried in it. "That's gonna be one hell of a hole to dig, GW." Pfft *revs engine, lines truck up with volcano* who said anything about digging? Keep going for a ton more shots of the only truck capable of hauling Thor's hammer.

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cyborg-soldiers-of-2050.jpg
According to a recent report released by the U.S. Army's Combat Capabilities Development Command (DEVCOM), these are some of the cyborg capabilities the Army soldiers of 2050 might have. Will they become reality? LOL, Earth surviving to 2050 -- good one, Army.
The 'thought experiment' involved dozens of scientists, military personnel, ethicists and other experts discussing future technologies, what impact cyborgs would have on society and how it would change warfare. The study involved breaking down the future design of a cyborg soldier into the main areas of enhancement likely to be possible by 2050. They examined changes to the eyes, ears, brain and muscular system through four 'case studies' examining the different technologies that could be developed and what impact they would have on society and warfare. The study predicted that human machine enhancements would become widely available before 2050 and likely be led by medical use rather than the military.
I thought one of the more interesting ethical points made in the article was whether or not soldiers that had been augmented would need to be "throttled back" (read: restored to factory settings) for the return to civilian life, or if they'll just use their abilities to bankrupt casinos and everything else I would do if I was enhanced in any way besides naturally, in the penis. Thanks to Thaylor H, who agrees at what point do you just start using 100% androids?

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This is a short video from Brooklyn, New York of a programmable road sign that was programmed by someone with a sense of humor (or hacked) to warn commuters about holiday gridlock. SICK OF THE TRAFFIC? YOU ARE THE TRAFFIC. GET RID OF YOUR CAR. That's bold. Maybe not as bold as me, but -- excuse me. "Cutting in line doesn't make you bold." *ignores* Yes, a bowl to go. White. Black. Chicken. Keep going for the video, which is really just the gif but slower.

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et-commercial.jpg
This is 'A Holiday Reunion', a four minute video short/Xfinity commercial featuring E.T. returning to earth 37 years after his initial visit to see his old pal Elliot again (and presumably eat all the Reese's Pieces). It's pretty damn cute for a commercial, although I don't understand why the family felt like they needed to explain the internet and technology to E.T. like he didn't come to earth on a spaceship and once make an intergalactic phone out of a saw blade on a record player attached to a Speak & Spell. 4/5 stars, where the hell's the alien friend I ask for every Christmas? Keep going for the video while I ride my bike over a cliff in an attempt for an alien to show itself and save me.

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This is a short video of a maniac/genius emptying his swimming pool by sucking up all the water and blasting it onto the pool deck around his villa with one of those hovering hydroboards. Smart, although at the end of the video you can see he's left with a jetski in the now empty deep end of his pool. I can't wait to see how he problem solves that thing out of there, but fingers crossed it involves a jet engine or whatever the hell else Wile E. Coyote suggests this time. Keep going for the full video, and if anybody wants to translate the end for me that would be great.

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