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dice-stacking-trick.jpg
This is a short video of a man who's clearly never lost at Yahtzee demonstrating an impressive dice stacking trick. FULL DISCLOURE: I did award him bonus points for the final shape kinda looking like a penis. Also I like how his dice-shaking cup of preference is a modified Pringles can. What is that, salt and vinegar? I do love salt and vinegar. Unfortunately my doctor said I need to watch my salt intake because my blood pressure is already too high and I told him he must already be too high if he thinks anything is going to keep me from my chips besides death, which he assured me it would. Keep going for the video.

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darth-vader-helmet-auction-1.jpg
This is the icollector.com online auction for one of the Darth Vader helmets screen worn by actor David Prowse in Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi. Now how the hell am I supposed to swap out the helmet for a fake one like I've seen people do with Fabergé eggs in movies if the auction is online only? The helmet's details:
David Prowse "Darth Vader" screen used signature mask and helmet from Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back. (TCF, 1980) Without question, Darth Vader is one of the greatest villains ever portrayed on film. His angular, skull-like mask and helmet has been lifted to iconic status and is universally recognized as a symbol of evil in pop culture. Both the mask and helmet are constructed of fiberglass. The Mask is painted in dark metallic gray with black accents; its interior is marked with a "1" in white paint with worn foam rubber padding and tinted plastic lenses. Two of the original three elastic straps are present to secure the mask to David Prowse's head. The top of the mask originally secured to the jet-black helmet with a circular PVC connection (now missing; the three screw holes used to attached the PVC fitting are present). For added security, the mask's forehead attached to the inner portion of the helmet with Velcro (still present on the helmet's interior, but only the adhesive remnants remain on the mask, and remain hidden behind the helmet). The helmet's interior is marked with a "3" in brown paint. Interior metal mesh behind the triangular respiratory vent and "chin grille" are missing, as are the turned aluminum "atmospheric sensors" at either side of the vent. Exhibiting some chipping on lower edges and right "cheek" from production use. Remnants of adhesive used to attach mask to the helmet are still present on the interior. Original Darth Vader helmet/masks are exceedingly rare and considered the "Holy Grail" of science fiction artifacts. $250,000 - $450,000
Damn, it's expected to fetch $250,000 - $450,000? I bet it goes for even more -- there are a lot of rich nerds out there. There are also a lot of poor nerds out there. "You're more of a dork." I wasn't talking about myself. "No?" I mean yes but that really hurt. Regardless, I will find a way to buy or steal this and I will wear it to bed every night, I don't care what my girlfriend says. "I imagine she'll say it's an improvement." My God, are you a shark? Because you're out for blood today. Keep going for a few more shots of my future Star Wars watching helmet.

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microsoft-the-musical.jpg
This is Microsoft: The Musical, a musical made by Microsoft's 2019 summer interns, because some starry-eyed youngsters still know how to have a good time. Granted it's no Phantom Of The Opera, but ♫ THE PHAAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THEEERE, INSIDE MY MIIIIIND ♫ My goodness that gives the me chills every time. "You mean the boners." No question.
"Microsoft the Musical" was dreamt up and led by interns spending the summer of 2019 at Microsoft. This Tony Awards-style musical theater opening number is just one of many passion projects that came to life because we were encouraged to bring our whole selves to work. And that's what we did: 150 interns and employees came in on mornings, weekends, and nights to create this outside of (and in addition to) their day jobs.' Microsoft's mission is to empower every person and every organization on the planet to achieve more. We hope that this speaks to every person who dreams of being part of something big--and especially to those who've been wrongly told they can't be. At some point, we were all in your shoes. You CAN, you SHOULD, and you WILL.
I'll be honest, I didn't watch the whole thing, I just kinda skipped around. Because, you know what they say: too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. "No, you just have the attention span of a fruit fly." Huh? "Nothing." Is that a banana? Keep going for the video.

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zelda-theme-electric-toothbrushes.jpg
Because the internet is like a weird cousin, this is a video from Youtuber Device Orchestra starring three electric toothbrushes performing the original Legend Of Zelda theme (while wearing tiny wigs and hats per Youtube comment suggestions, although he should have gone the extra mile and made them actual Zelda characters). Man, that theme was my ringtone for YEARS. "Why'd you change it?" I upgraded to a pager. "Upgraded?" If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times -- technology is cyclical. Which is also why I threw out my electric toothbrush and started using pine tree branches again. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a boss to convince it's my pine branch toothbrush he's smelling and not the gin. Keep going for the video.

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Apparently Heinz is test-marketing rotating the labels on its iconic ketchup bottles so the labels are straight up and down when the bottle is tilted to the perfect pouring angle. But am I still supposed to tap the glass '57' at the base of the neck?! I NEED ANSWERS.
According to Brian Neumann, senior brand manager at Kraft Heinz Canada, the company has long been searching for a way to explain how to best get their product out of the bottle and wanted to be playful about it.
Alternatively, just jam a butter knife up in there like a normal person who doesn't have five minutes to waste for not nearly enough ketchup. Time is money, and I don't have nearly enough of either. Keep going for a video while I squirt the store-brand community ketchup in the breakroom fridge all over my shirt, then insist I've been stabbed and need to go home early.

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alex-trebek-affirmation-soundboard.jpg
This is the web-based Trebek Affirmation Soundboard created by Rex Sorgatz. You just click a button on the board and Alex lets you know what a great job you're doing. Now somebody just needs to make Mister Rogers and Bob Ross versions and I'll feel like I'm on top of the world even though in reality I know I'm trapped in a deep cave and I'm going to die down here, alone -- and probably from injuries sustained fighting mole people. Thanks again to hairless, who agrees we should all start our day with at least five positive affirmations to get off on the right foot. *steps out of bed onto LEGO minefield* I hate everything.

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nes-hoodie-1.jpg
This is the officially licensed Nintendo Entertainment System themed hoodie available from Merchoid. It costs $55 and makes you look like everybody's favorite 1980's video game console. Personally, I couldn't help myself from buying one with the hopes that-- "Somebody will blow on a cartridge and slide it tenderly betwee--" You get the picture. Keep going for a couple more shots of this fall's must-have fashion.

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smart-car-in-kitchen.jpg
This is a short video (which is really just four still pictures) about a Jacksonville, Florida man, who parked his Smart Car in his kitchen to avoid potential damage from Hurricane Dorian (he was actually concerned the car would "blow away", which is a valid concern). According to his wife, Jessica Edridge: "I said there was no way he could. He said he could," Jessica said. "So he opened the double doors and had it in. I was amazed that it could fit. He had it in with no problems." Well of course he got it in the double doors no problem, it's a Smart Car. I could probably fit one in my backpack if I wanted to. Also, not to take all the credit for this idea or anything, but I actually did something similar with my car and a neighbor's living room years ago. Granted there was no hurricane, but it had been raining. Keep going for the video.

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jason-mask-pencil-holder-1.jpg
This is the $19 Friday The 13th: Splitting Headache Ceramic Pencil Holder available for preorder from Merchoid. The desktop pen and pencil receptacle looks like Jason Voorhees' iconic hockey mask and has eight holes for storing your writing instruments of choice. It also serves as a reminder for coworkers to think twice before asking you a stupid question. "There's no such thing as a stupid question." What are you, a first grade teacher? Of course there is. BONUS FACT: the stupidity of a question is also directly proportional to the annoyingness of the person asking. Take my coworker Greg for example -- he can't even ask a smart question. Keep going for a few more shots sans pens and pencils.

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stormtrooper-beers.jpg
These are the Stormtrooper Galactic Pale Ale and Lightspeed Pilsner beers available exclusively from FireBox. Unfortunately, they cost $32 for an eight pack and FireBox can't ship them to the United States on account of the booze. That's cool, just send me an empty bottle of each. I mean that is the whole purpose of these, right? There's no way this is going to be anybody's favorite beer, people just want the Star Wars bottles to put on display and make their friends jealous. And isn't that what life is all about? "Making your friends jealous?" It's why Instagram was invented, isn't it? Thanks to Joseph A, who agrees the 'No wonder they can't shoot straight' tagline might be the best thing about these cold ones.

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luna-lee-voodoo-child-gayageum.jpg
This is a video of everyone's favorite gayageum player Luna Lee (previously) covering Jimi Hendrix's 1969 classic 'Voodoo Child (Slight Return)'. The sound of the instrument really does mesh well with the song and, not unlike an espresso IV, I felt like it was a great way to start the day. Now let's get out there make today a great one! "That's very unlike you, GW." I'm turning over a new leaf. "That's poison ivy." Well thank God I wash my hands after going to the bathroom. "But do you wash your hands before going to the bathroom?" My penis! Keep going for the video, as well as the original song for reference.

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killer-sofa-trailer.jpg
This is the trailer for the upcoming October release of the straight-to-video-on-demand 'Killer Sofa', a horror flick about a possessed killer recliner. It looks promising. Of course everybody knows the original killer recliner was Chairry from Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Still, it's a shame this movie isn't coming to the big screen, because it looks like a great date movie. My girlfriend is a huge horror movie fan. "No I'm not." You sure? Then who am I thinking of? "Probably one of your EX-girlfriends." Jeez, she does this to me all the time. And, okay, she's usually right. *shrug* My memory is like a leaky bucket. WHICH MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES. No? Somebody else? Heck. Keep going for the trailer while I start writing the sequel, 'Hate Seat'.

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bob-ross-exhibit.jpg
The first time an exhibit of Bob Ross works have been on display on the east coast is now open (it opened today, September 10th, and runs to October 15th) at the Franklin Park Performing and Visual Arts Center in Purcellville, Virginia. "Happy Accidents: An Exhibit of Original Bob Ross Paintings" features 24 of the artist's landscapes and, as much as I hate to do it, we're gonna have to Thomas Crown Affair a few (the remake with Pierce Brosnan and Rene Russo, not the original with Steve McQueen and Faye Dunaway). FUN FACT: Did you know Bob actually painted three versions of most of the paintings featured on The Joy Of Painting? Let me copy/paste you some learning from Wikipedia:
Ross painted three versions of almost every painting featured on his show. The first was painted prior to taping, and sat on an easel, off-camera, during filming, where Ross used it as a reference to create the second copy--the one viewers actually watched him paint. After filming the episode, Ross painted a more detailed version for inclusion in his instructional books. The different versions were marked as follows on the side or back of the canvas: "Kowalski" for the initial version, "tv" for the version painted during the tv show, and "book" for the book version.
Pretty wild, right? "Just like Mr. Toad's Ride." I thought so. Unfortunately, I've got some bad news: all the tickets to the exhibit are already sold out. "We'll have to sneak in at night." Exactly what I was thinking! So...repel in from the ceiling Mission Impossible style? "Dress as custodians." I mean it's your call, but I feel like we're gonna look pretty ridiculous repelling with mop buckets and trash cans. Thanks to my dad, who agrees if your trees aren't happy, what's the purpose of even painting?

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This is a short video of Sawyer the dog following behind and mimicking a family member's hobble on crutches. One article writer said they believe Sawyer is doing it empathetically, but I'm pretty sure he's just joking that kid. I mean just look at the grin on his face. 'Hey, look, look at me -- I'm just like ol' lame leg over here LOL give me a treat' I imagine him telepathically messaging the person filming before trying to take an inconspicuous sniff and lick of his own privates. "Were you a dog in a former life, GW?" Shoot, I'm a dog in my current life. "Woof." Hey now! Keep going for the video while I try to teach my dogs to play lame.

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ufo-spotlight-drone.jpg
This is a video from Daniel Riley of Stratus Productions, who attached an incredibly bright 1,000-watt LED flashlight to the underside of a large drone to see what it would look like while flying. SPOILER: just like a UFO. Which gives me an idea. "Doing the exact same thing, flying it around the neighborhood for a couple nights, then going door to door selling alien abduction insurance." My God, it's like we share one idiot brain. *extends hand* Partners? Keep going for the video, as well as one from BEHIND THE SCENES.

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This is Wetlands, a short film by Persia Beheshti starring a community of merpeople in Virginia that occasionally meet in an indoor swimming pool to splash around and do merpeople things together. Is, uh, is chlorine okay for them? I thought they had to be in saltwater baths like Daryl Hannah in Splash. The film is called a documentary, but I didn't really learn much except I really want in on this merpeople action. This could be my new lifestyle. I think I've tried the barely scraping by thing for long enough, it's time for change. I'm serious *jingling coffee cup in your direction * those tails aren't cheap. Keep going for the video.

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This is a video from Kruger National Park in South Africa of a rhino bull giving chase to a safari vehicle for a full minute. That must have been exhilarating. And not the good kind of exhilarating like when you kiss somebody you like for the first time, the bad kind of exhilarating like is this how I'm going to die? Thankfully, I already know how I'm going to die, and it isn't getting charged by a rhino. "Does it involve making love wearing a jetpack?" Depends, who's wearing the jetpack-- me or my girlfriend? "Either." Then yes. Keep going for the video.

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kirby-desk-fan-1.jpg
This is the Kirby Desk Fan available for import from NCSX ($40, although I saw them going for $33 - $40 on eBay if you're really interested). The 6-inch fan looks like everybody's favorite living vacuum and is powered via USB. That's cool, but $40? It looks like something that should more in the $15 - $20 range. Don't get me wrong, I still bought one, but only because my roommate left his wallet on the sofa after coming home drunk last night. "What is wrong with you?" I wouldn't even know where to begin. "Start at the beginning." So I was born with a devil's smile and the penis of ten mortals... Keep going for one more shot.

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Sorry for the late start, we had some technical difficulties earlier, but hopefully everything should be smooth sailing from here. This is a video of Israeli beekeeper Dvorat Hatavor showing off and demonstrating how he built a fully functional Langstroth style beehive out of LEGO bricks (allegedly with no identically colored bricks side-by-side, although I'm fairly certain I saw a few). You think the bees are proud to live in the most colorful hive on the block? I know I would be. Good looking, Dvorat -- we've got to protect the bees. Just this morning when I was taking the dogs out I saw a bee caught in a spiderweb on my porch and I thought oh no, poor bee, then when I got closer I realized it was a hornet and was like, haha, f*** you! Keep going for the video.

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lone-bean.jpg
41-year old Steve Smith of Bristol, England was recently preparing himself one of the saddest meals I can think of when he opened his Heinz Baked Beans dinner and discovered just a single bean floating aimlessly in a sea of tomato sauce (for reference, an average can contains around 465). He then made a video and later posed for some pictures with the lone bean because clearly he wasn't that hungry to begin with. Me? I would have devoured that bean like it was the last bean on earth, which it could have been. All the cans produced after might have been only sauce for all he knew.
"I got back late from a meeting and wanted some food. I poured out the tin and I found one bean," Smith recalled. "I thought it was funny - but annoying! It was the last tin we had in the cupboard," he continued. "I had to have scrambled egg instead." He posted a video of the find on Twitter and tagged manufacturer Heinz. It said: "Hi @HeinzUK. I enjoy "bean juice" as much as the next person, but when I opened a can this evening I was hoping for more than one bean."
Personally I would have opted for the scrambled eggs before the can of beans, but that's just me and I only eat Bush's Baked Beans anyways, which I could make myself if I really wanted since I know the secret recipe because I'm a dog whisperer. Keep going for a short video of Steve sadly stirring his bean.

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