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This is a video of two stinging insect professionals joking around with a car half full of wasp nest. Man, I don't even care if all my friends are gonna be there and this is the only ride I can get to the mall on a Friday night, I would not sit in that. "I'm sure the trunk is safe." You're a genius! *hopping in* I'll even pretend I'm your parent so you can get your ears pierced at Claire's when we OOWW SHIT OWW OWW OWW! Keep going for the full video.

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This is some security cam footage from a garage in Spicewood, Texas of a "young kid in a truck hauling a trailer who got distracted and went off the road and plowed into my friends truck." Thankfully, nobody was injured despite that one garage worker going out and laying in the driveway just moments before the crash. It's like Death had a change of heart. Which is weird because I didn't know Death even had a heart, I just assumed it was all bones and cobwebs under that cloak. "I heard he also keeps his cloak stocked with contraband to sell like nudie mags and illegal fireworks." It's how I want to go. Keep going for the video, but the action is in the last fifteen seconds.

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atomik-chernobyl-vodka.jpg
This is Atomik vodka, a vodka distilled by the just created Chernobyl Spirit Company using radioactive grain from a farm located in Chernobyl's radioactive exclusion zone. The company hopes to produce 500 bottles this year, and even more in the future if demand is sufficient. And how couldn't it be? Everybody dreams of having superpowers. Some more info:
"Any chemist will tell you, when you distil something, impurities stay in the waste product," [scientist and vodka distiller Jim Smith] explained. "So we took rye that was slightly contaminated and water from the Chernobyl aquifer and we distilled it. We asked our friends at Southampton University, who have an amazing radio-analytical laboratory, to see if they could find any radioactivity. [And] they couldn't find anything--everything was below their limit of detection." "We don't have to just abandon the land," he said. "We can use it in diverse ways and we can produce something that will be totally clean from the radioactivity."
Hey, I'm all for glowing at night and being able to see through walls, but if you can produce vodka distilled from NOT radioactive grain, why wouldn't you just do that? You know, use that radioactive grain for some other product like-- "Don't say baby food." I WASN'T GOING TO, GOD. Thanks again to Closet Nerd, who agrees what fun is a drinking game if you don't have extra toes by the end of it.

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This is a video of NASA's next generation space telescope, the James Webb Space Telescope, testing the deployment of its secondary mirror support system. NASA hopes to have the telescope in orbit by 2021, or approximately one year after the end of the world. Some more info while I daydream about aliens making contact, then taking me and only me with them:
James Webb is intended to carry the torch for NASA's great space telescopes. Hubble is the most famous, but it's getting old. Webb is considerably more powerful than Hubble and is designed to study distant solar systems and delve into the history of the universe. Webb is currently split into two major halves that will need to be connected. "The secondary mirror test represents the last large milestone before the integration of Webb into its final form as a complete observatory," NASA said.
The telescope is so large it has to be launched into orbit and then unfold itself for use after getting there. The reference article I read likened it to a 'weird Transformer', which I'd have to agree with because it doesn't even have arms or legs or a head. Even the lamest Decepticon would make short work of this poor bastard. Keep going for the video.

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This is a video from aboard a Honda scooter as its driver bobs and weaves their way through traffic in Hanoi, Vietnam. The title of the video is 'it's less scary than it looks', which I'm not sure I can agree with because it certainly looks like I'm watching the action on a computer screen from the safety of my desk where there's little to no risk of getting hit by a truck, so I don't know what the hell your'e talking about. What am I missing? Keep going for a full minute of near death experiences.

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spider-mouse.jpg
This is the Spider Mouse (with requisite glow in the dark background) available from Real Bug (also available in scorpion, millipede, and various other creepy crawly varieties). Each $18 optical USB mouse includes a real spider mounted in acrylic inside. Obviously, it's the perfect mouse to let coworkers know they should probably choose somebody else to make small talk with. Still, you know what would be even cooler than a mouse with a spider inside? A mouse with a MOUSE BALL inside. I miss those old mice. You know what my favorite part of them was? "The feel of the ball rolling against the back of your teeth when you were cleaning it." It's the little things, you know? Thanks to my dad, who apparently decided to send some tips as birthday presents today, which I tore open like

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skyrim-torch-only.jpg
This is highlights reel of Youtuber and self-challenger Mitten Squad beating Skyrim using only a torch to deal damage to enemies (he still wears armor, uses healing spells, and shouts that don't affect enemies). Basically, he eats vegetable soup (which replenishes a stamina point every second) then uses the power bash perk to constantly wail on enemies. A text version of his journey while I watch the whole twenty minute video, then bill a client an hour for the twenty minutes I just wasted:
I'm skipping the opening ride into Helgen because it was a glitchy nightmare just like it was in the last Skyrim video I made. I chose an Imperial for reasons I'll explain in a bit, ignored Alduin, and made my way inside Helgen Keep. Just like with my Fork and Shout videos, when I say "With Only A Torch", what I mean is that I can only do damage to enemies with a Torch. I can still wear armor, use spells to heal myself, and use shouts that don't affect enemies. A few minutes in, and I already found my first Torch. Sort of. There are 2 kinds of Torches in Skyrim. There are Torches that are items, and those that are a part of the environment meaning they're fixed in place just like a wall or a door. As I made my way through the Keep, it became annoyingly clear that finding a Torch to wield as a weapon would be harder than I thought. I let Ralof and his friends do all the work since I can't do anything, ran passed the bear, escaped Helgen, and activated the Warrior stone. It had never dawned on me that Bleak Falls Barrow is just a little ways up a mountain from the stones, so I went ahead and discovered the location to save myself some time down the line. In Riverwood, I took advantage of Gerdur by taking everything she had to her name, then went inside Riverwood Trader to buy a Torch from Lucan. For some reason I thought it was common for merchants to sell Torches. But the one time I actually want a torch, there aren't any for sale, which means I'm completely defenseless. I also checked a few nearby buildings for any torches that I might be able to steal, but still there was nothing. The small upside is that Whiterun is only a short hike and a few wolf bites away. I persuaded the guard to let me in, checked with the weapon vendor for some reason and found no torches, made my way inside Dragonsreach, and gave the Jarl the rundown on what happened in Helgen. Farengar, the court wizard, didn't have any Torches either. So I did what I hate doing and resorted to the Skyrim Wiki to figure out exactly where I could find a torch. There are Torches in the dungeons beneath Dragonsreach, the only problem is getting in. It took a few more attempts than it should have to get a guard to see me picking a lock, allowing me to go directly to jail, pick the lock in the loose grate on the floor, and and get my first Torch. There are actually a few Torches in the dungeon. By the time I'd retrieved my possessions after spending the night in jail, I had 8 fire sticks to my name and was off to Bleak Falls Barrow to get the Dragonstone. Now that there's relevant footage to show in chronological order, I can explain a few things about Torches. The Torch is held in one hand, but it's not a one handed weapon. Using it to shield yourself from attacks raises the Block skill, which is why I chose an Imperial as my race. They're one of 4 races that start with 20 in Blocking, but they're also the only race to start off with 25 in Restoration, which is incredibly useful since the Torch is not a very useful weapon.
Yeah, that is not how I played the game. "You spent 120 hours just trying to romance all the Argonian lizard people." You're damn right, and I would have spent another 120 doing the same thing if my girlfriend hadn't broken my Playstation. She said it was an accident, but I think she may have set it in the driveway and backed over it on purpose. Keep going for the video.

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This is some security cam footage from a highway toll booth, starring a truck driver who decides to try to sneak through the toll following closely behind another truck. He fails miserably, mangling the gate arm and proceeding to blow three tires and destroy the rims on a sharp curb. Obviously, that was a pretty pathetic showing, and I really hope he didn't decide to include this footage in his getaway truck driving demo reel. Keep going for the full video.

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inflatable-boat-raft.jpg
Seen here being modeled by a bunch of kids with no parents or alcoholic beverages (or any beverages for that matter) in sight, this is the Bay Breeze Boat Island float manufactured by Sun Pleasure. The float looks like a speedboat, can hold up to six people, and has a built-in cooler and six cup holders. Buy yourself a little trolling motor and you're ready to cruise for adventure! Oooooor pop your boat and get eaten by lake sharks. The pleasure cruisers were going for $320 on Amazon but it appears they're currently sold out, but I saw someone else selling them on eBay for $210 with free shipping. Look around if you're interested. If you're not interested? Well you probably wouldn't know a good time if he winked and asked you to rub suntan lotion on his back. "You're talking about yourself." I burn easily. Keep going for a handful more shots.

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so-much-rage.jpg
This is a video of the thousand musicians from around the globe of Rockin' 1000 in Frankfurt, Germany performing a cover of Rage Against The Machine's very appropriate 'Killing In The Name' from their 1992 self-titled album. Man, I remember driving around with friends in high school listening to that whole album. Gosh, that must have been, what -- June? "You've gotta stop hanging out with high schoolers, GW." It's cool, I have friends of all ages. I'm like Mister Rogers but without the singing or wanting to be neighbors with everybody. Keep going for the video.

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This is a compilation video of Norwegian 'visual artist and balloon destroyer' (crazy person) Jan Hakon Erichsen popping balloons with a variety of different methods, most of which involve wielding knives in dangerous ways, and all of which my mom would ground me for life for trying at home. Which is why I'm gonna wait till they go on vacation. "You're a thinker, GW." I AM a thinker. "And a dier." I'm surprised I've made it this far. "And just how far is that?" Behind the starting line, facing backwards. Keep going for the video.

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This is a video starring a man in Almeria, Spain who decided to dispose of an old fridge and get some Youtube clicks in the process by tossing it off a roadside cliff. Unfortunately for him, police saw the video, located him, and ordered him to retrieve the appliance by hand and dispose of it properly, then fined him €45,000 [~£42,000; $50,500]. No word if the cameraman was also punished, but hopefully Captain Planet at least slapped him around for a bit. Still, $50,500? That's a serious fine. Maybe not as seriously fine as you are, but I've had a crush on you ever since we were in the same biology class in high school. "I don't remember you." Come on, we were lab partners briefly. "Wait -- were you the pig?!" I WAS THE WORM. Keep going for the video while I painfully remember the first time you took a scalpel to one of my hearts.

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This is a short video of clips from the new Lion King trailer that was deepfaked with more cartoony looking character faces. Now granted I haven't seen the new Lion King, but rest assured I will as soon as it comes to the theater that serves beer right to your seat. Will the ticket ripper recognize me and enforce my theater ban? "Depends on how good your disguise works." Exactly. Fingers crossed he never pegged me for a cardboard robot. Keep going for the video.

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crocs-gloves.jpg
This is a video detailing 'entrepreneur and product designer' Matt Benedetto's quest to make himself a pair of Crocs gloves, from concept to finished product. The results are surprisingly quality looking. I mean, if you think Crocs are quality looking. Personally I've never owned a pair, but-- "But you did steal a single Croc from Shoes-4-Less." *stands up to reveal pegleg* I'm not paying for two if I only need one. "What's under the eyepatch?" A Magic 8-Ball! "Seriously?" No I'm just trying to fix my lazy eye. "How's that going?" It still just wants to sit around and play video games all day. Keep going for the video.

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king-cobra-vs-reticulated-python.jpg
This is a photo from Southeast Asia of the aftermath of a venomous king cobra (the longest venomous snake) that bit a reticulated python (the longest snake period), which in turn began constricting the cobra, killing it, before succumbing to its venom. Aaaaaand they both died in a shitty trash-filled ditch, the end. Thanks to Shaun M, for reminding me of my own inevitable death in a trash-filled ditch.

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IT-red-balloon-lamp-1.jpg
This is the officially licensed 'IT: Floating Around Pennywise Balloon Light' available for preorder from Merchoid ($42). The lamp measures about 13.5-inches tall (34cm), is turned on and off by a button in the balloon's knot, is made from breakdown plastic so it's biodegradable when it winds up in a landfill, and I'm thinking the same thing you're thinking. "Why is it officially licensed?" Exactly, it's a red balloon lamp. Just call it a red balloon lamp and save yourself the licensing fee. But what do I know? I'm just a man who was wrongfully accused of manufacturing and selling bootleg action figures. "You were caught with a storage unit full of half assembled Stur Wors action figures." It was a set up! "Was it though?" Hell no, I was making a killing at flea markets and swap meets selling to kids too young to read. Keep going for a shot of the lamp with the light on (SPOILER: it glows).

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This is an optical illusion video of cars and motorcycles seeming to just disappear as they make a turn into a bridge. Of course they aren't actually disappearing into another dimension (that would be cool though), and that isn't actually a bridge with water flowing underneath, it's the corner of the building the person filming is standing on top of. Of course that would be even easier to tell if the smartphone they captured the video with wasn't from the 70's. I mean, Jesus, you don't have to upgrade every year but come on. Keep going for the full video while I speculate how long it took the person to upload the video to Youtube via 14.4 modem, and how many times they had to start over because their mom picked up phone.

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goat-selfie.jpg
"It's trying to heatbutt me bu-- AH!" This is a short video of a girl trying to take a selfie with a goat on a rope when the goat decides it doesn't feel like being exploited on Instagram today and heatbutts her over. This gives me an idea. "Does it involve heatbutting friends right when they snap a selfie with you?" Maybe! "That's a good way to lose friends, GW." But it's a great way to make memories. Keep going for the video.

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This is a short video from the mall (wish I was there) where a girl gives Bumblebee a high-five, then he rolls an ankle (axle?) and eats it, breaking several pieces of himself off in the process. Thankfully, this appears to have not been a Humpty Dumpty situation and at the end of the video he's almost all back together again. That's a relief. Still, when reached for comment about the incident, all I could hear was Megatron laughing, then transforming into gun form and having Starscream discharge him into space. Keep going for the full video while I try to sell the secret of devastating high-five attacks to the Decepticons.

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olive-garden-lifetime-pasta-pass.jpg
Beginning tomorrow, August 15th at 2:00PM Eastern, Olive Garden will be breaking the internet by selling 24,000 unlimited Pasta Passes for $100. That particular pass is good for nine weeks from 9/23/2019 -11/24/2019 for unlimited pasta, sauces and toppings, as well as soup or salad and breadsticks (dine-in only, not valid online or to-go orders). But the first fifty of those lucky purchasers will be given the option to upgrade to a LIFETIME pass for an additional $400. Wow wow wow! I can't believe I'm even telling you this because I know I'm diluting my chances. But even if I don't make it into the first fifty you can bet your spaghetti-loving ass I'm going to buy somebody's on eBay because even if it sells for a million dollars I'll still get my money's worth, or explode in a cloud of marinara and half-chewed meatballs trying. Thanks to Bret, who agrees choosing what's for dinner is easy when you've got an Olive Garden Pasta Pass burning a hole in your pocket and butt cheek.

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