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russian-art-film-simpsons-opening.jpg
This is The Simpsons opening reimagined in the style of a Russian art film by the animators at Youtube channel Lazy Square. It starts depressing and only gets worse, culminating in hard drug use and domestic violence at the very end. It was not a feel good video. I like feel good videos. If I wanted to see something depressing I'd spend far more time at my sales job desk with my eyes open. Keep going for the video, then watch a bunch of videos of cats playing and people hurting themselves doing stupid shit to cleanse your palate.

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t-rex-race.jpg
This is a short video of a bunch of people in those inflatable t-rex costumes racing at the Emerald Downs horse track in Auburn, Washington. I was hoping for more wipeouts, but I only saw one. I was also hoping they'd all have riders on their backs. It must have sucked to have been one of the t-rexes that had to start behind one of the other ones in the starting gate -- that's a disadvantage. "Like your low mental capacity." What's that supposed to mean? "I rest my case." That's cool, l I rest my penis on the toilet seat when I'm done peeing so it doesn't accidentally take a dip. Keep going for the video.

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This is a short video of jokester Timothy Eberle's father-in-law attempting to unlock the front door after Timothy told him his new SimpliSafe doorbell cam was a retinal scanner. That is probably not the best way to make friends with your father-in-law. If that had been me, the next footage on that doorbell cam would have probably been me pointing an eyeball on a fork at it. "Who's?" My own -- nobody pranks me then doesn't feel guilty about it the rest of their life. Keep going for the video while I text all my friends and remind them they'll need to identify themselves with the nipple scanner when they come over for my party this weekend.

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fireworks-store-fire.jpg
This is a video of some storage containers at the Davey Jones Fireworks store in Fort Mill, South Carolina burning and setting off all the fireworks inside. The storage containers were actually located between Davey Jones Fireworks and The House Of Fireworks store, although neither of the stores caught fire themselves (a shame in my opinion, but I appreciate a good finale). The news reporter insists this is NOT A SHOW, although we clearly have different definitions of a show, because that looked like a great one to me. Also, if I owned a fireworks store I would 100% do this every Fifth Of July with all my unsold inventory. Granted, I'm not the most savvy businessman. "Or best dressed." What do you have against athletic shorts?! Keep going for a news report, as well as a few other individual videos from reporter Billie Jean Shaw, who was setting up for an unrelated live shot across the street when the blaze started.

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This is a short video from Dale City, Virginia of a sinkhole that opened in the road after heavy storms in the area and swallows a car. The running commentary from the people watching is really what makes the video so good though. That and the car's bumper popping off right as it disappears. Personally, I would have cannonballed right into that hole like a pool on Memorial Day and driven the car out before it was completely gone, but that's just me and I have a very poor sense of what's possible in reality. Keep going for the whole video while I make a 'Just Hang On' motivational poster using a screencap from the video.

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french-bread-pillows-1.jpg
These are the realistic French loaf plush pillows created by novelty company Gector and available on Amazon in a variety of sizes (from 12-inch to 30-inch, $17 - $33). Cool, but do I really need another reason to try to drunkenly eat a pillow after a night out? "Is that a problem now?" *angrily drop-kicks decorative throw with a moistened corner* It's always been a problem. *shrug* I guess at least now all the food stains on my couch will feel more at home. Keep going for a few more shots.

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moana-birthday-cake.jpg
This is a shot of Kensli Taylor Davis's 25th birthday ice cream cake. In her own words while I wish I had a sliver of ice cream cake right now. "Only a sliver?" Don't you judge me, I work out. "At a gym?" No, out of this office.
I haven't had a chance to tell y'all about our experience this weekend with my birthday cake. So my mama called and ordered me a cake telling them how much I loved Moana. (Because really I do) Well needless to say these people thought she said marijuana That ice cream cake was still good though
Just to be clear, it's only marijuana themed, not dosed. Still, I like how the decorator printed out the picture of My Little Stoney with the transparent layer indicating checkerboard pattern included -- I thought that was a nice touch. I also like how Kensli had the decency to not name where the cake came from to prevent the stoner who took and made the order from possible repercussions. Thanks to Closet Nerd and Lana, who

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flatulence-arrest.jpg
The Clay County Sheriff's Office in Missouri was recently able to locate and arrest a suspect with a felony warrant for possession of a controlled substance when the man farted loudly while hiding. Man, I can't even tell you how many times I've lost a hide and seek championship the same way. Or woken myself up in the middle of the night.
"We've gotta give props to Liberty PD for using their senses to sniff him out!" read a Facebook comment from the Clay County Sheriff's Office.
So, do you think the arresting officers added *putting on cool guy shades and nose clip* olfactory assault to the list of the man's charges? "Wait -- why the nose clip?" Oh you'll know in a few seconds. Thanks again to Closet Nerd, who agrees as tempting as it might be, if you think you might need to hide from the police later, skip the Taco Bell.

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carbon-fiber-travel-trunk.jpg
Because why on earth would you ever spend a spare $125,000 on something reasonable, this is the one-of-a-kind Tecknomonster Virtus Trunk Set available exclusively from Harrods. It includes a small carry-on style carbon fiber suitcase as well as a large, wardrobe style travel trunk. Some more info while I speculate where the diamond-powered jetpack comes out of:
At the forefront of luxury travel accessories, Tecknomonster have designed the Virtus Trunk Set exclusively for Harrods as the ultimate accompaniment to transatlantic pursuits. The only one in the entire world, it is crafted in Italy from glossy carbon fibre, and is trimmed with prestigious brass closure mechanisms, luxurious crocodile skin handles and a quilted leather interior. Featuring a perfectly arranged interior, which includes a telescopic mechanism designed to hang suit carriers and three sliding draws, it also boasts several pouches that can house everything from watches to belts. Mounted on four hand-machined wheels manufactured from aeronautical aluminium, this premium trunk comes with a matching cabin sized trolley for added security.
What a waste of money. Still, FULL DISCLOSURE: If I ever see this thing drop onto the carousel at baggage claim I am 100% snatching it and making a run for my getaway car. "And by getaway car you mean Uber." Or Lyft, whichever's cheaper. Thanks to v, who agrees whatever happened to just checking a couple black garbage bags full of clothes like my family has always done?

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This is a short video from Hollywood, Florida of a cheer coach working on a new routine in his living room when he smacks the ceiling fan, managing to catch it on the way to the ground without getting hit in the head or face. Those were some nice reflexes. Although I have to wonder what the hell was holding that ceiling fan up in the first place -- happy thoughts? At least he didn't stick his fingers in the actual blades. Because I do that all the time taking my shirt off before sitting down to dinner. "You take your shirt off before dinner?" Of course, so I don't stain my shirt. "Your girlfriend made quite the catch." Hahahaha, she always gets so pissed cause other tables start staring. Keep going for the full video.

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baby-bird-trip-in-uber.jpg
Because not all heroes wear capes (or wait until after 5PM to start drinking), a day-drinking man in Ogden, Utah recently sent an orphaned baby (~2 week old) lesser goldfinch that fell out of its nest to the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center of Northern Utah in an Uber since he couldn't drive. Some more info while I start drinking and wait for my opportunity to be a hero. Oooooor fall asleep laying in the shower again:
It took two tries. The first Uber driver backed out, finding the request too odd. But a second one, Christy Guynn, agreed. She put the little bird in a box with leaves the men gave her. "The only noise was the chirping," Guynn told KSTU. "I guess he was happy when I turned off the air conditioning off and rolled the windows down a little bit. I definitely think it was a little too cold for him." "While we feel we've seen it all and can't be amazed by anything, there is always SOMEONE out there to prove us wrong," rehab center workers wrote on Facebook.
Crazy, one minute you're getting drunk in the middle of the day wondering what the hell you're doing with your life, and the next you're saving a life. Funny how life works that way. Life is pretty wild, you know? Happy wife, happy life. Life life life life life toss me another beer clearly God thinks I need a few more before it's my time to be a hero. Thanks to Irina A, who agrees there's a hero inside all of us (but mine definitely has the coolest costume).

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klingon-pizza-hut-commercial.jpg
This is a short Pizza Hut commercial originally aired in the UK in 1994 that's entirely in Klingon. Apparently it was 'the first completely non-English advertisement on British television.' How about that! It's also clearly still effective to this day too because I just called my girlfriend and asked her if we could order Pizza Hut for dinner tonight. "What did she say?" Oh, you know, something about how she couldn't believe I forgot our anniversary after swearing it wouldn't happen again after last year. "Damn, GW." I think we're going to The Cheesecake Factory now. Keep going for the commercial.

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fish-eats-shark.jpg
This is a video from the National Oceanic And Atmosphere Administration's (NOAA) remotely operated vehicle Deep Discoverer some 1,500 feet below sea level off the coast of South Carolina starring a feeding frenzy of small sharks (possibly dogfish) feasting on the carcass of a dead swordfish when a wreckfish uses the submersible for cover, then grabs and swallows one of the sharks whole. Hoho, brutal! Obviously, I just sent this video to the Illuminati as further proof why they should take my petition to fill the oceans with concrete seriously. Granted it will still get denied since they're still honing in on the location of Atlantis in order to use its advanced technology to tighten their grip on humanity, but at least I tried. Keep going for the video (shark getting eaten starting around 1:25), complete with the live excited scientist commentary we've all come to love and respect.

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This is a video of a guy with an unusual wearing more than one pair of sunglasses at once fetish using a photorealistic sticker of an electrical outlet to prank people trying to charge their mobile devices. They try to stick their plugs in but it's just a sticker -- LOL. I don't know about you, but if I ever try to charge my phone and the plug turns out to just be a sticker I'm yelling at anyone with a camera pointed at me. Oh you think this is funny, Back To The Future II?! I needed to call my grandma in the hospital. Now she's dead and you blew my shot at any inheritance. You owe me a cuckoo clock collection now. That said, I'm totally going to stick one of these fake electrical outlets on the back of my pants and take a lap around the office. "I'll go get a fork." *winks* Keep going for the full video.

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metal-show-wheelchair-lift.jpg
Note: Keep your volume in check. This is a short video of a man in a motorized wheelchair who was lifted up by members of the audience at a metal show to get a better view of the band. Heck yeah! *waving sign of the horns in the air* Still, it's kind of crazy these people can support the weight of a man AND a motorized wheelchair, but every time I attempt a trust fall with my friends I just hit the ground. "What friends?" I mean sure, that certainly doesn't help. Keep going for the video.

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tractor-trailer-hauling-traffic-light.jpg
This is a short, poorly shot video of a tractor trailer casually and unintentionally hauling a traffic light and the massive pole it's attached to. And speaking of massive poles-- "Yeah yeah yeah, you have one." *tossing treat on floor* I really have trained you well, you know that? Keep going for the video, which could serve as part of a master class on how to shoot a shitty video.

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This is a video of a guy at one of those axe throwing bars having his axe ricochet off the top of the target and come back at him (previously: this woman's which was even scarier). I like how he sticks out his hands like he's gonna try to catch it -- that's not a good instinct. In his own words before the throw: "You gotta pretend that a bear is coming to attack your mom." Words of wisdom. So apparently if a bear is coming to attack your mom you toss an axe at it, completely miss, and nearly kill yourself. And what are you supposed to do if a bear isn't coming to attack your mom -- step on all the cracks? Keep going for the whole video, complete with 'Mr Brightside' playing the background.

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little-kid-roman-candle.jpg
This is a short video of a young boy performing a little fireworks routine with a Roman candle. He's got flair -- I'll give him that. He also clearly has a knack for knowing how to end a show, and a lot of television writers could probably take a page from his playbook. "I'm still mad about Game Of Thrones." Hey, I know you are -- but if its any consolation I want you to know from the very bottom of my heart I don't care. Keep going for the full video, complete with chickens clucking.

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This is a video of Austrian slacklining professional Yannick Loerwald performing several 'Yoda rolls' on a slackline above a gorge. They should have been named Sonic rolls aside, apparently his feet never actually break contact with the slackline during the trick, which, according to the man filming, is "super difficult and needs lots of practice," like you couldn't tell that just from watching. Thanks for the heads up guy, should I also not bite my fingers eating a sandwich? Keep going for the video.

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david-bowie-barbie-1.jpg
To celebrate the 50th anniversary of David Bowie's classic outerspace jam 'Space Oddity' on July 11th, Mattel released a special edition David Bowie inspired Barbie doll ($50 on Amazon). Some more info while I add it to my birthday list right below 'somebody to show up to my party this year':
Introducing Barbie as David Bowie. In a definitive celebration of two pop culture icons, Barbie honors the ultimate pop chameleon, English singer, songwriter and actor, David Bowie, whose dramatic musical transformations continue to influence and inspire. Dressed as Bowie's fantastic sci-fi alter ego, Ziggy Stardust, in the iconic metallic 'space suit' with red and blue stripes, flared shoulders and Bowie's signature cherry-red platform boots. Special details include bold makeup -- featuring the famed astral sphere forehead icon -- and a hairstyle inspired by Bowie's fiery-red locks.
That's cool, I'm into it. Now if you'll excuse me (and since it's Friday), I think it's high time I play Bowie's 'Space Oddity' at max volume here at my desk and fist fight any coworker who has the nerve to say anything but 'F*ck yeah, love that song.' Keep going for a handful more shots and the

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